I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
