got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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