also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
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When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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