i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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