I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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