New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
