Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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