So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
