So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
