my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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