yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
