True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
