This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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