it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
