You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
