I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
