I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
