my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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