You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You are a genius and a whore.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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