i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
