No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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