So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
