I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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