i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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