I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
