You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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