I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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