WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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