You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
