I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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