I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
