He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
