You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
