I don't usually arrange sex via text message
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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