he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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