Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
