So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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