remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's official drugs can't kill me
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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