If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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