im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
