Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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