I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
