well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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