I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
