hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
