guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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