Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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