I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
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The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
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YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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