We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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