that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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