Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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