she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
