"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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