i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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