i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
