Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
